


Devil Almighty

by Broken_souls



Category: Original Work
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, God uses They/Them Pronouns, Lilith is queen of hell, Other, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn, gen z gabriel, jesus just wants to save 2020, lucifer loves lilith, michael and lucifer are like a married couple, people asume Lucifer is a woman, the devil babysits jesus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_souls/pseuds/Broken_souls
Summary: After a deal gone wrong Lucifer is forced to live in a small apartment in Brooklyn with Jesus Christ and two angels who stop by whenever they want. While Jesus insists on saving the world Lucifer and Michael only want to go back to their lives in Heaven and Hell, meanwhile Gabriel is only there for the memes.
Relationships: Demon/angel - Relationship, Lucifer/Michael, Original Male Character(s)/Original Non-Binary Character(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 11





	1. Brooklyn Jesus

**Author's Note:**

> I am fully aware this story is absurd, thank you. Despite that I hope you like it. 
> 
> This is based on a dream I had after watching Gravity Falls and reading Good Omens fanfiction until 4 am so it is clearly influenced by those. At first this was supposed to be a web comic but because I don't have time and I suck at digital art I wrote this story instead.

Lucifer was playing Candy Crush while Jesus finished his strawberry smoothie. The kid (because for whatever reason Jesus had the appearance of a ten years old) had been running from the cops —just like the old times— when Lucifer found him.  
  
Jesus started making a house with dirty napkins and toothpicks while Lucifer drowned his fucked up soul in alcohol and phone games he had invented himself to drive humans mad. The kid still didn't fully understand the concept of a smartphone but he liked the funny noises it made, he liked the magic box with people inside too —but he didn't really like the things it said.  
  
There was a pandemic (or something like that) and there was fear and death and fire, and for a second he thought this was Armageddon. The end of the world. _The Apocalypse_. Lucifer laughed when he voiced out his concerns. "You think _I'm_ responsible for all of that? Hell, no. They did this to themselves, as crazy as that is."  
  
Now he knew he had done the right thing leaving Father's side. The door had been open, so of course he slithered out of Heaven. It was not an act of rebellion nor of any other wicked nature. He only wanted to see the world, that world which had seen him live and die. He only wanted to feel the soft ground under his feet, he soon found out there wasn't many ground in New York, only pavement.  
  
He was barefoot but no-one pointed that out, they only told him to wear a mask. They talked about the virus, about the number of deaths, about terrorism and racism, they only seemed to talk about pain — _Was this the world he had died for?_  
  
The devil —who always seems to arrive when one is more hurt and lost— found him in Brooklyn. He had been there enjoying every sin the city could offer while adding a little more gasoline to the fire. Lucifer wasn't surprised often, but seeing Jesus Christ being handcuffed by the cops, well, it was like a fucking _Renaissance_ painting. His black skin, dark hair, hooked nose, and the body of a ten years old. A police office was talking to him while he cried. "You have the right to remain silent, eve-."  
  
"What the Hell are you doing here?" Lucifer inquired, his curiosity taking the best of him. Jesus recognised not the body —nor the funky clothes he was wearing— but the eyes of a demon, and he immediately knew the Prince of Earth was right in front of him. The cop didn't seem to notice. "You know this child?"  
  
"He's Father's son." He said rolling his eyes as if it had been an obvious answer.  
  
"Alright ma'am, then take care of him. He's been causing trouble around." _Lie_ , it was a lie. The act of being handcuffed had more to do with the color of his skin than it did with any of his actions —but what the cop didn't know is that he was talking to the Devil himself. Lucifer smiled knowing he would see that fucker burn in hellfire one day. " _Thank you_ , officer."  
  
The police freed Jesus and left him in the welcoming hands of evil. Jesus dried his tears and glanced at Lucifer, who looked a lot like an edgy teen, to be honest with you. His hair was both long and short —what Jesus would later learn was called a _Mullet_ — and he was wearing a lot of black, and chains (why would anyone wear chains willingly). The devil took a cigarette out of his pocket when he saw the police car disappear down the street. "Yo, wtf. I could've been a murderer or something creepy shit like that and the cop didn't even bother to check if I was telling the truth, what an asshole."  
  
The boy didn't understood a word of what Lucifer had said, but he was relieved to see a familiar face —even if it was the Devil's. "Wh- what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm the one who should be asking that, kiddo." He lightened the cigarette and started smoking, an old habbit he claimed could stop whenever he wanted. "How did you get out?"  
  
"The door was open" He didn't know much more than that.  
  
"That's... Unlikely. See, that's what happens when you give that kind of job to Peter, _typical_ Peter." He started walking away expecting Jesus to follow, when Lucifer saw he was still standing there, he turned around. "Are you coming or do you prefer to wait for some fucked up rapist to kidnap you?"  
  
He smirked when Jesus started following him. "Thought so."  
  
"Why are you here?" The pavement hurt his feet but he didn't complain, he had suffered much more than that. When thinking about the probability of him and the Devil ending up bumping into each other in Brooklyn, of all places, he couldn't help but think this might have been part of Father's plan —but he knew Lucifer would hate to know about that. "Business. You?"  
  
"I wanted to see Earth and its people." said Jesus making Lucifer chuckle. The devil was wearing a mask like many other people but he was wearing it wrong while he smoked, when he finished his cigarette he put it back on correctly. "Ohh, you chose a _really_ bad time to do so, kiddo, 2020 has been.... a _mess_. And it's not even my fault, well, not entirely. There's this pandemia going on, a shitty election, a gay yet homophobic ship is canon... I hope the aliens come next."  
  
Jesus truly couldn't comprehend anything. "I- _What?_ "  
  
"We have this bingo thing going on Downstairs and I'm winning- _almost_ winning. Lilith is ahead of all of us, who would've thought the rumors about Putin, am I right?" He was talking about many strange conceptes Jesus had never heard about before —How could a ship become a canon? What was a Putin? A new kind of animal created by Father maybe?— But he kept following the Devil since at least he seemed to know where he was going. "What's this?"  
  
"This is Heaven on Earth, a pub." The building was ugly and Jesus wasn't exactly eager to get inside, unlike Lucifer who seemed to love that place. Jesus walked carefully behind the devil. "It doesn't look welcoming, what's inside?"  
  
"Alcohol, a huge as fuck ton of alcohol." The sign of the place was dirty and old, and only a couple of letters had light, but Jesus managed to read it — _The Devil's Pit_ —. When he got inside Lucifer was already on his second glass. Jesus sat besides him and stared playing with some toothpicks. "Why are you here with me? Don't you have work to do?"  
  
Not many people dared to talk to him like that, it amused him, he thought it was funny. He laughed and took his phone out of his pocket to text Lilith before ordering a strawberry smoothie for Jesus. "Not really, no. I'm kinda bored right now, at first 2020 was funny, now it makes me have too much paperwork so I hate it. I thought I might stay with you here until you leave."  
  
"How do you know I will leave?" They both knew angels should have been aware by now that Jesus was missing, therefore, someone would come looking for him. Maybe Uriel but Lucifer honestly hoped it was Michael, he loved annoying Michael—but he decided not to share that information with the boy. "You're _Jesus Fucking Christ_ in the body of a ten year old during a global crisis, why the Hell would you want to stay?"  
  
"I want to help people." He answered sincerely.  
  
"Oh, yeah, because that worked out _SO_ well for you last time." The devil said before laughing, when the barman came to fill up the glass Lucifer took the whole bottle. Jesus looked at him before glancing at his surroundings, more specifically, the television in which the number of deaths because of the epidemic could be seen — _God, there was so much death_ —. He thought for a while before daring to voice out his idea. "Maybe we can help eachother."  
  
"Yeah, right." Lucifer rolled his eyes —the Devil and Jesus Christ working together— it was an insane idea, but thinking about it, Heaven would become chaos if they heard about it and that would be hilarious. Jesus tried to convince him. "I can't help humanity alone and you know the city and the world and the things inside the magic box."  
  
"That's a tv." He corrected.  
  
"See, you help me understand this world and meanwhile you're entertained." He almost regretted saying those words, but if he was right this was all part of Father's plan, whatever plan that was.  
  
Lucifer seemed to reconsider when he lost all his lifes in Candy Crush. He was bored and 2020 was a bit too much, even for him (if things kept going like that Earth would end even sooner than expected). Lilith was in charge of Hell and he really wanted to run away from his paperwork, if only for a while. "Alright, you got yourself a deal, kiddo."  
  
"Great!" He said maybe too happy about it. Lucifer interrupted his happiness. "But there's one condition, I'll only stay here and help you _for as long as Father allows you to be here_ -it should only take a couple hours- then you're on your own. Deal?"  
  
"Deal" He said before shaking Lucifer's hand —it tingled and burned him but not in a painful way— Jesus trusted Father wouldn't let him leave Earth so soon.  
  
"Congratulations, you've just made a deal with the Devil." The smile the Devil had on his lips made him uncomfortable, as when looking at something that seems human but deep inside yourself you know it is not. He couldn't trust him, he knew as much as that.  
  
A woman, older than him when he had died (the first time) approached them. Her clothes were cheerful but maybe a little too colorful for his own taste, she was blond and her smile was too wide to be sincere. "Uhm, hi, _excuse me?_ You can't bring children in here."  
  
"Are you the owner?" Said the fallen angel pouring himself another drink. Jesus noticed the woman was wearing her mask wrong. "no, but-"  
  
"Then shut up and let me drink" Nothing good would come from bothering the Devil, and yet the woman didn't stop. "I don't like to see the kid here"  
  
"Then gouge out your eyes, bitch." He growled surprising Jesus. _Was Lucifer using his own words in his convenience?_  
  
"I'm going to call the police, you're a terrible mother" The woman took a small rectangular thing out of her pocket and hit it with her fingers while looking at Lucifer waiting for a reaction, but he seemed too focused on his drink to even care. "I'm not his mother, he's just Father's son."  
  
"So you've brought your little brother into a pub." Said the woman, Jesus didn't know her name but for some reason he thought it might be Karen.  
  
Lucifer frowned when hearing the word _'brother'_ , that's not how it worked, not for angels at least. "He's not my brother, he's- it's a really long story. The thing is: I'm not his parent, I'm not responsible for him."  
  
That should be the end of the conversation but the woman kept talking. "but you can't-"  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE ASSHOLE WHAT THE FUCK" His eyes glowed in a deep shade of red, his skin cracked and his teeth sharpened — _What kind of monster had he made a deal with?_ — The woman ran away terrified and the Devil slowly shifted back into his ' _human_ ' appearance before glancing at Jesus. "I'll pay you five bucks if you never repeat the words I said ever again."  
  
"Okay" he said understanding they didn't have a nice meaning.  
  
There was a minute of silence and then Lucifer smiled, that smile which was far too cruel to make you want to smile back. His voice was a growl and his eyes were shining with mischief. "You know what? Thinking about it, I'll pay you a thousand bucks if you repeat all the words I said to Michael when you see him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason why Jesus is ten years old in this universe is because god was up there and thought "you know what would be funny?? babysitter au, suck it Lucifer."
> 
> In this story Jesus doesn't have powers (just his good intentions), for now...... Michael and Gabriel can't use them because Heaven would notice, as for Lucifer, he has to ask Lilith permition first. So that leaves three non-human dumbasses in charge of a chinf who just happens to be the son of God. I don't know about you but I thought this was hella funny.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it, leave kudos and comment if you did.


	2. #babysitterfromhell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike and Gabe join the party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not even a serious story, it's just like a sit-com but with angels and shit

The responsible for Jesus' little escape from Heaven was Michael— but of course he wasn't going to admit that anytime soon. It was easier to blame Peter, or Gabriel for the same matter. He hadn't told anyone about Jesus' disappearance, _not even God_.

He had been assigned to take care of the man, but he had more important things to do so he left Jesus with Gabriel —who lately had been obsessed with a devilish device called ' _TickTock_ ' or something like that— and went back to the unfinished paperwork he had to fill with Peter's help. That's how it happened: Michael was not taking care of Jesus, Gabriel was too busy looking at his phone to notice him walk away and Peter was not at the door so Jesus simply left. As easy as that.

Now the trouble was _finding_ him.

It turned out finding Jesus was a harder task than he had anticipated. He could be anywhere in the world and people were uncooperative —whenever they asked where to find Jesus they were leaded to the closest church or were told to _fuck off_. 

And to be honest, Gabriel wasn't much of a help, he was too focused on this _Book of Faces_ thing to be useful. Until it turned out to be crucialy useful. "Found him."

"What? -Where?" Said Michael getting out of the third Church they had visited in thirty minutes.

"He's in Brooklyn with Lucy." Then he showed Michael his phone. There was a picture of Lucifer drinking alcohol with a little boy besides him, and below the photo there was something written — _Hangin' out w/ Jesus in Brooklyn. #babysitterfromhell_

"Let's go get Jesus before he corrupts him." Michael sighed before spreading his wings and taking off. He didn't want to see Lucifer, he honestly didn't have the energy to deal with him and he, more often than not, preferred to be as far as possible from the Devil. They had a past together and it made things kinda awkward. As he flew, Michael tried not to think too much about it.

Lucifer _liked_ Jesus, well, as much as you can like a ten years old who wants to help every fucking asshole in this planet, but he enjoyed talking to him— it was entertaining and distracting from all the stupid paperwork that was waiting for him just because Trump couldn't accept his defeat. The Devil had summed up to him all the events that had taken place since 2020 had started, he enjoyed seeing his horrified face grow more and more worried with every word he said. "And yeah, the bat thing is _kinda_ my fault but all the police brutality- that's on the angels. They were the ones who thought creating a police force was a good idea." 

"And what happened to the Dodos?" Jesus liked the Dodos, the Dodos were cute. Lucifer put a hand on his shoulder before breaking the news to him. "Dude, Dodos became extinct like- _a long time ago._ "

"Lucifer, I'm here to get Jesus back." Interrupted Michael walking into the pub. The Devil was on his third bottle of whiskey while Jesus had just finished making the toothpicks house. Before the archangel could add anything else Jesus shouted. "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE ASSHOLE"

Michael and Gabriel stared at the boy with wide eyes while Lucifer was laughing so hard tears started to roll down his cheeks. Michael looked the boy, then at the Devil. "WHAT THE FUCK"

"oh, yeah, I forgot about that one." Thought Jesus. Michael hadn't changed much since World War II —the last time Lucifer had bumped into him—, he was wearing the mandatory uniform and his hair was short (military style), he had that permanent frown whenever he talked to Lucifer and his eyes were heartless, maybe even more heartless than the Devil's. " _You_ are a horrible creature, Jesus has only been a couple of hours with you and you've already tried to corrupt him, Lucifer." 

He was using his bossy tone but that only made Lucifer roll his eyes. "Oh, c'mon I was just having fun, _Mike_."

"Don't call me Mike" said Mike.

"Then don't call me Lucifer, it's Lucy now." remarked Lucifer while Gabriel kindly said hi to Jesus —neither of them seemed to want to get involved in whatever was going on between Michael and Lucifer. "wh- since when??"

Lucifer snapped. "I sent an email." 

"Yeah, he did." Added Gabriel looking back at his phone, Uri had just sent him a cat video.

"An _email_?? What's that? Couldn't you just send a fax?" In his department Michael had banned all human based inventions that were at first created by demons. That meant smartphones, televisions, shoelaces, Instagram, Spotify, Facebook, YouTube, math, coffee and, obviously, email, weren't allowed. Angels weren't really good at inventing things so their only contribution to the Human communication system was fax. Lucifer sighed. "No-one uses fax anymore, Mike."

"Yes, they do!" Yelled Michael.

"No, they don't." Confirmed Gabriel.

"Why do you have to change your name anyway? I took me _centuries_ to stop calling you Samael." _God, he hated that name_ — Lucifer bit his lip trying not to snap, he played with the chains hanging on his neck and hid his annoyance behind a cocky smile. "That's not my problem." 

He was angry enough to accidentally destroy Jesus' toothpick house —yhat made Jesus sad but he didn't say anything about it— Michael frowned with badly hidden anger. "You're exhausting. Thank _Father_ I don't have to deal with you anymore. Let's go, Jesus. It's time to go home."

Jesus looked at Lucifer, then back at Michael. "But I don't want to go, people need me here and Lucy said he could take care of me here on Earth."

" _Nooo_ , I said I'd babysit you for as long as Father allowed you to say here, and since they have sent Gabe and Mike to get you, it's obvious they want you back home. _Right_?" But Michael and Gabriel remained quiet, they looked at each other trying to ignore Lucifer's inquisitive stare. The Devil looked at Michael, then at Gabriel, and then back at Michael. " _Oh, no_. What did you do now?"

"Why you say it like _I'm_ the bad one?! _You're_ the bad one!" He answered back crossing his arms. Jesus thought they both looked like kids when arguing like that. The devil got up and stood in front of Michael, his eyes slowly turning into that dreadful shade of red. " _What. Did. You. Do_."

"I didn't tell Father about Jesus leaving Heaven." Michael muttered ashamed, but Lucifer wasn't satisfied with that. "What?!"

"I didn't tell Father about Jesus leaving Heaven, _okay?!_ " Michael shouted stepping back. 

"Oh, _Fuck me!_ Why would you do that!?" Lucifer grunted, their eyes slowly getting more and more red, crimson red. Michael spreat his wings unconsciously —it was a natural reaction when feeling threatened— and Jesus saw one of his wings had a wound, scarred but very visible —a little souvenir from Lucifer. "You of all people have no right to call me out Mr. _'I am better than God I'm gonna start a rebellion'._ "

Lucifer showed his sharp teeth while his skin cracked like porcelain slowly showing his true nature. "That was so long ago why are you bringing it up now?!"

"Because you're the responsible for every bad thing that happens and I hate you!" Everything was quite for a second. Michael was breathing fast while Lucifer stared at him not knowing what to do or say. Gabriel put his phone inside her pocked and tried to calm them down. " _wow_ , uhm- _that_ was something. Why don't we just relax and find a way to fix this? Sounds good?"

"Whatever." said both Lucifer and Michael.

Lucifer sighed and his eyes and appearance went back to normal, well, normal in human standards. Michael hid his wings and Gabriel stopped looking at his phone to go a do something useful. "Great! _Now_ , Jesus, why don't you want to go back home?"

"People need me here, I want to help them" He was too good for his own good.

"Do I have to remind you they _crucified_ you?" inquired Lucifer standing besides the angels. Now he could see the height difference, Lucifer's figure was slim and tall but not as tall as Michael who had much more muscle. Gabriel was the shortest of the three, needing to look up to talk to either one of them. Jesus understood their arguments but decided to ignore them. "They didn't know what they were doing."

"Oh, Fuck _you_. You're the worst. I'm leaving. Mike, he's _your_ problem now." He left the money on the counter and fixed his mask —as black as the rest of his outfit— ready to leave. Jesus stopped him "You can't leave! We made a deal!"

"I'm sorry- _WHAT_." Michael was far scarier than Lucifer —decided Jesus— He has the eyes of a soldier, and the eyes of a soldier were never kind. Lucifer had the burning eyes of a rebel, they were not kind nor violent but for some reason Jesus preferred them. Michael looked capable of hurting even what he loved the most if given the order. Jesus tried not to think about it. "You promised you would stay with me here for as long as Father allowed me to be here."

"Well, _yes_ , but-" he acknowledged, Michael interrupted him before he could continue with a defeated sight. "Look, Jesus. Father haven't said they don't allow you here because they _don't know_ you're here."

"Then I'm staying." it was like talking to a ten years old— _oh, wait!_ He was indeed a ten years old.

"Why do you want to stay anyway? All those problems people are suffering from, the fires, the diseases- all of it is done by Father. It's all in their plan!" Michael wasn't wrong, and Jesus agreed with him but he knew he was doing the right thing staying. "How do you know it's not in their plan for me to help all these people?"

"I-" Michael couldn't think of a good reason not to believe that. Lucifer slipped behind the counter looking for more alcohol —because it seemed three whiskey bottles weren't enough for a demon. "I'm not drunk enough for this..."

"Sober up, Lucifer, you've got work to do." The devil didn't liked the way Michael said those words but he obeyed nevertheless. Not that alcohol truly affected him anyway. Gabriel was looking at him with something similar to compassion —ew _, disgusting_ — while Jesus smiled at him. "wh- why are you all looking at me like that? You've got a plan? What's the plan?"

"The plan is: you take care of Jesus like you said you would." Not even Michael himself could believe what he was saying. Lucifer brusted into laughter, but he soon stopped when realising they were serious. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no - _Hell_ , no."

"You have to!" Gabriel knew Lucifer would never call off a deal, all of them knew that —and maybe, for the first time in forever, Lucifer regretted making a deal. The Devil looked devastated, but not as much as Michael, who seemed to be having a mental breakdown. "Look... Do you think I like to have the Devil _and_ Jesus Christ roaming around Earth? But you made a deal and Gabriel and I have work in Heaven, we can't take care of him."

"I have a job too!" Exclaimed the Devil. 

"We both know Lilith does 90% of the work" He wasn't _exactly_ wrong. Giving Lilith the throne was the smartest choice he had ever made —the girl was amazing at ruling Hell—, they shared the authority but everyone knew it was Lilith who kept the demons in line. It had been a long time since Lucifer had shown who he was —the fallen angel— to his subordinates. They knew, of course, but the times in which the angel (in his real form) roamed around Hell terrifying souls and demons alike had been over a long ago. Lucifer didn't miss those days, he was mostly happy with playing Candy Crush and doing the paperwork Lilith assigned him. "yeah but still..."

A new notification appeared on Gabriel's phone, Uriel was looking for them. "Michael, we have to go back now..."

"Alright, give me a second." It was odd talking to Lucifer, they were both far too used to trying to slide eachother's throats at any given chance, but it was a good change —a painful one—, it reminded him far too much of the time when they were on the same side. Even Lucifer's voice wasn't as devilish as it had been not long ago, it almost sounded like an angel's. " _Michael_ , you can't expect me to babysit Jesus Christ."

Samael's voice made him hesitate —No, he should never hesitate when it came to him— and he had to force himself to remember this was not Samael, this was _Lucifer_ , the rebel, the monster, the _Devil_. "your actions, your consequences, brother."

Lucifer smiled annoyed, as if trying to hold back the wrath he was feeling —he was _definitely_ not Samael— splitting words as if they were poison. "Fuck you and all that bullshit."

"Why did you have to do it? Couldn't you just leave things as they were..." Why did he have to sound so hurt, even Lucifer's smile weakened when he heard them. "Why do I have the feeling you're not talking about the Jesus situation?"

Michael bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying something he would regret later. "I'll come often to make sure you haven't set Earth on fire. Goodbye, Lucifer."

"Bye!" Said Gabriel, and with that they both flew into the sunset, going back to a place where Lucifer couldn't follow. He was good at hiding his feelings behind jokes and sarcasm so he did exactly that. " _aaaaaand_ \- they left, typical angelic bullshit." 

Once outside the pub Jesus was more quiet than usual, his eyes never leaving Lucifer. "What, now?"

He thought for a moment the kid would make a comment about him and Michael but instead he asked. "Can we get some ice-cream?"

"I really hate you." He said. While they walked to Lucifer's apartment in Brooklyn, Jesus thought the Devil was not as bad as he seemed because in the end he did buy him an ice-cream —even if he claimed it was only to shut him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Lucifer arguing low key gives me flashbacks of my parent's divorce lol
> 
> God know Jesus is on Earth obviously but this is just too fun to interfere so soon, let the angst flow...
> 
> Michael and Lucifer used to date in Heaven (no I do not take criticism) or whatever angels do that's similar to date. So whenever they see eachother it's kinda awkward so they both try to kill the other, because if they are dead there's no reason to feel awkward -right?
> 
> When Gabriel says "why don't we just relax" you have to read it in the TikTok audio voice.
> 
> Everyone thinks Lilith does 90% of the work but that's actually a lie made up by Lucifer. He realised both Heaven and Hell considered Lilith a maiden or a whore even if she did the same amount of work he did, so he convinced everyone it was her the one who ruled Hell while he was just a pretty face. Now no-one dares to disrespect her. Not because she's Lucifer's wife, but because she's Lilith.
> 
> God in this story is just sitting on their celestial bed with a blanket on eating Doritos while reading this on their divine phone, yes, just like you are. Because since God is omnipresent and the reader knows what's happening better than the characters do I thought it would be funny to make it like that. This is one of the reasons why I gave God gender neutral pronouns.
> 
> The other reason is that if God existed they would use gender neutral pronouns (no I do not take criticism).
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter, I'll probably update often because I write this for fun so I don't care so much about making it perfect. Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	3. The Devil's Resting Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Devil brings Jesus to his small apartment in Brooklyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wh- You actually expected the devil to live in a big penthouse on top of a very cool club? This isn't Los Angeles, honey. And why would you expect that? Lucifer is almost as broke as a college student so get ready for eating only doritos, noodles and coffee.

Jesus had a chocolate ice-cream. They didn't have ice-cream back in the day, nor chocolate for the same matter. He would've liked some, it would have been a great addition to the _last supper_. Jesus wondered if now they let people have ice-cream before crucifying them but Lucifer told him they didn't do that anymore —the crucifying thing, not the ice-cream— and that in modern society people only got crucified on Twitter. 

The devil bough an ice-cream for himself too —a raspberry one— and a black coffee for the road. After a subway ride and a long walk they arrived to a building Lucifer had keys for. He opened the door, said hi to an old lady carrying three fat cats on her arms while checking his mailbox. "Whassup Su?"

" _Aghuure, engo dyruk._ " The woman said in an offended voice before turning around and going back to her apartment. Lucifer laughed. "Good evening to you too."

Jesus stared at the closed door thinking how these people could be neighbors of the devil himself, —Did they even know he was the devil?— Lucifer, with his mail in his hand, hit a little too hard the elevator door and then pressed the button. The doors opened and Lucifer got inside followed by Jesus. "What language did that woman speak?"

"I have no idea." He said opening his mail. Whenever he stayed on Earth most of his paperwork was done by computer and the things that needed his signature were sent by mail. Lilith had sent him the list of the new souls that had arrived that day, then Lucifer would have to go name by name and make sure everything was correct —and that meant making sure no-one had wrongly gone to Hell or been sent to a wrong department— which was a lot of work since so many people were dying. Instead of letting Lucifer read his mail peacefully, Jesus kept asking questions about th the lady. "But I thought you spoke every language in the world."

"I do but _crazy cat lady nonsense_ is technically not considered a language, y'know?" He folded the documents that were inside the envelope and put them inside the pocket of his blazer. When they arrived to the floor —6th floor _obviously_ — Lucifer hit the door again because otherwise it wouldn't open. Another woman was there, younger, with brown skin and a fancy gray outfit, very professional. Lucifer greeted her. "Hey, Marta, how's work?"

"Good, You know the project I told you about? I'm leading it, it's a great opportunity. Dave and the kids are so proud." The woman, apparently named Marta, explained. Jesus almost had expected her to run as fast as she could to her apartment like Su had, but it seems Marta liked Lucifer. Then, she noticed Jesus. "Oh, and who's this young man, Lucy?"

"This is Father's son, Jesus, I'm taking care of him for a while and all of that shit." Lucifer said and Marta smiled before adding. "It's amazing you take care of your younger brother even if you really don't like kids."

"Well, I didn't have much of a choice actually." He mumbled looking at Jesus accusingly who didn't look much of a martyr with his face covered in chocolate ice-cream. "T'was nice seeing you."

"You too, Lucy." She said goodbye as they both stepped inside the apartment. Lucifer left the keys on top of a table and turnes on the light before shouting very dramatically. " _Welcome to the devil's resting place!_ We have coffee and Doritos."

Jesus didn't know what he had expected but it definitely wasn't a clean beautiful apartment with white walls and high ceilings. It was small, but the charming kind of small. It had an open kitchen, two rooms —one of which was currently used as an study room—, two bathrooms and a small balcony. The decoration was modern and ethereal —something he would have expected from Michael or even Gabriel, but not from Lucifer.

"Now, I don't know what you humans eat because you're gross as fuck but 'm sure you'll find something in the kitchen." He said before disappearing into what seemed to be his room. Jesus went to the kitchen and only found an opened bag of Doritos, 25 different types of coffee and what seemed to be a noodle soup that had spent enough time in the fridge to develop a conscience. Jesus decided he was not hungry. Then, he noticed a very fat cat staring at him from outside the window. "Kitty!!"

"That's Stalker. Don't encourage him or you'll find him staring at you through the window while you sleep." Lucifer remarked from the doorframe before walking towards the cat and hitting the window repeatedly in a useless attempt to scare him but the cat seemed undisturbed. Jesus waved at Stalker. "He looks nice."

"He's creepy as fuck, and he isn't even the worst of them. Wait until you meet Judas, she's an evil mastermind." The devil lighted a cigarette and smoked trying to pretend he didn't notice Stalker staring into his soul. Su —who's actual name was Suzanne Wayne— had only had seven cats when Lucifer acquired the apartment, now she had around 27 (Lucifer had lost track) and since she let them roam lose like a plague and no-one could actually understand a word she said, the devil had named some of them with not very kind names. 

There was Stalker and Judas, of course. But there was also Burrito, Stinky, Pom-pom, Little B, Tuna, Cocaine, Disney, Nero, Daud, Froot Loops, Hannibal, Inuyasha, Piñata, Church, and Robert. The rest hadn't annoyed Lucifer enough to be worth of getting a name. Maybe the asshole he had found —not once but four times— inside his freezer would be called Siberia or Gulag, but he hadn't decided yet.

Those weren't the only pets in the building. The teen upstairs who lived with her uncle had a snake called Noodle and the unsuccessful musician living on the third floor had a dog named Beethoven. Jesus loved all animals, he was still sad about the dodos though.

"Alright, kid. We need some rules here." Lucifer said sitting on top of the kitchen counter. He had taken off his blazer and his hair was now tied up. Jesus wanted to start helping people as soon as possible but he agreed it was better if they had rules. "I still need to do a lot of paperwork even if I'm stuck here babysitting you so tomorrow I'll have to go down there and hope Lilith is cool with me doing the work online. So you'll be alone for a while -don't go outside, don't break anything, don't go into my room, and don't let any cats inside the house."

"But what about helping people?" He exclaimed making Lucifer roll his eyes. "For fuck's sake, dude, give me some rest. You're not gonna save the world in a day."

"Now, let's go back to the rules. Don't go into my room, don't let the cats inside, and _blah, blah, blah._ My coffee is mine so you don't touch it either. You can watch tv and eat whatever you eat, and about the world saving thingy- we'll do baby steps. Okay?" He said and Jesus didn't understand at first why he didn't mention Michael and Gabriel when making the rules, nor did he suggest for them to take care of Jesus while he went down to Hell —It was later that he thought Lucifer was alone in this— The devil was the only one actually bonded to him and even if Michael had said he would check on them he didn't say anything about helping Lucifer —plus, they were angels, they would never want to help the devil. Jesus looked up at his tired eyes. "Okay, seems fair."

"Cool, now go to sleep. I have work to do." Lucifer had used a little bit of his demonic powers to turn his study room into another bedroom —moving the desk and the bookshelves to his own room— where Jesus could sleep. Even if the sun wasn't down yet and his stomach was empty, Jesus decided to call it a day and go to sleep. A lot of things had happened and he needed to think how to help these people who clearly needed it so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but I have been very overwhelmed by college, I also had to go to the hospital this morning bc I was vomiting and my legs wouldn't work so there's also that. I'm fine now so I hope you enjoy this small and messy chapter.
> 
> Lucifer sucks at naming things, most of his demons are names Chad or Brian because he just doesn't care. All the cool demon names are chosen by Lilith. To show exactly how horrible he is at naming things, here's a list of his newest demons: Turkey, Bastard, Canada, Nutella, Fuck Off, Amazon, Macaroni, and Why do I have to keep naming these demons can't we call then all Steve (but everyone calls hin Steve for short).
> 
> Lucifer made Marta's kids have diarrhea for three years bc he thought it was her who called the cops on him for eating mayonese with a spoon but it was actually Su. She takes great pride in knowing the Devil still hasn't figured out it was her.
> 
> Lucifer lives in the 6th building, on the 6th floor and his apartment is, obviously, the number 6.
> 
> I live in Europe so I have no idea what it's like to like in Brooklyn besides what I've seen in movies so a lot of stuff is probably wrong. Don't mind me.
> 
> I hope you liked it, leave kudos if you did! Bye!


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